Grown Men [and Women] fake guitar playing and Scoop Jackson

I was in NYC for a few days last week and while taking in sites such as Central Park, MoMa, and Times Square I attended the Brooklyn Air Guitar Championships. Air Guitar, what could be more awesome than a contest revolving around simulating playing a guitar with nothing but your hands while also displaying all the requisite facial expressions, gestures, body movements, etc. High comedy indeed.
So the format was each person would get to "play" for 60 seconds and there were 3 judges scoring on a 4.0-6.0 Olympic scale. I wasn't sure they were judging like that because we are in an Olympic year or because that's just how they generally do it; alas I have revealed myself as inept when it comes to judging an AIR GUITAR CHAMPIONSHIP.
Everything you would expect ensued from there, with numerous people doing lame windmills and power stances that everyone who has ever watched a rock band perform can relate to. However, there were some interesting moments, such as in the finals when a contestant jumped off a staircase in nothing but his underwear from about 20 feet high. The best thing however was when the winner, Betty B. Good, dressed in a lion print skin-tight pant suite jumped onto a glass awning type of thing which was literally 30 ft in the air and connected to the 2nd floor of the bar. Keep in mind she was highly intoxicated and the glass stage was only about 10 x 5 ft. I would not have been shocked for the world to have read in the newspaper the next day: "Air Guitarist falls to death in bar mid-windmill". She escaped safety however and only during the judging was it revealed that she has a compound fracture of her 3rd of 4th toe on the left foot...seriously. She was completely unphased and I think may have even licked blood from her finger from the wound; needless to say she did not accept her championship trophy because she was being rushed to the hospital via ambulance.
Aside from that horrible incident which makes me cringe every time I think about it there were some extremely funny moments made even funnier by the fact that beer was present. One of the first contestants, a rather portly fellow dressed only in a pair of shorts and a tie [with no shirt on] attempted a stage dive that can only be described as a Moses-Level Event. When the guy dove, there were a good number of people in his targeted landing zone. However, as soon as he took off the people parted so quickly you would have thought actual Egyptians were chasing them and attempting to re-enslave them. Needless to say the guy hit the ground so hard I'm pretty sure the floor shook [he landed about 2 ft. from where we were standing]. The Highest of High comedy: the utterly, devastatingly inept, unsupported stage dive.
Overall a worthwhile experience, you should check one out. Videos available at usairguitar.com

Next order of business, as brought to my attention by cousin David Stern, is an article so bad we are starting a new segment here at L'enfant Terrible. And now get ready for the first installment of:

Articles So Bad They Make Me Fear For The Future Of Our Species [not in a biological sense but in a morally or intelligence-related way]!

This first article is brought to you by ESPN page 2 resident Robert "Scoop" Jackson. Scoop takes a very interesting point of view in his latest article, claiming that NYC street basketball point guards do not need the NBA because they would rather have the respect of the people of NYC. Here is a microcosm of the article:

"What's the point in being Jamaal Tinsley, a quasi-respected midlevel starting point guard for the Pacers, but having no one north of 110th Street honor you as dude in the summer, when you could be Kenny Satterfield or Andre Barrett, who dropped 68 and 66 points, respectively, in a Hoops in the Sun tournament game in the Bronx two weeks ago, and get love so unconditional that people riding the 6 uptown with you start rating you as the basketball equivalent of Zeus?" Pictured: Andre Barrett at Rucker Park in Harlem [6/23/08 courtesy of SI.com]

First of all, what does "basketball equivalent of Zeus" mean? I'm always a bit confused by these equivalence analogies. Does Andre Barrett's jumper cause thunderbolts with jagged edges to fly from the clouds? Does his dribbling ability cause him to trick various maidens into sleeping with him while he assumes various disguises [this could actually be a reality, if it is hats off to Scoop for uncovering this story]? And why Zeus? Do NYC people have a special affinity for a deity not worshiped for over 500 years [I'm counting Zeus's Roman from as Jupiter here too, for all you classicists out there]?

I digress, the answer to the question "What is the point of being Jamaal Tinsley?" would seem to be this--his 2007-08 salary was $6.3 million, he plays professional basketball for a living, gets tons of free equipment and clothing, never has to work a day in his life, and can support his entire family for the rest of his life. According to Scoop that's nice and all, but it's simply nothing compared to receiving compliments on the subway. I mean, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This guy writes for a national publication? Let's put this in perspective: would you rather be a professional baseball player or a great Rec-League 16in softball player who gets a lot of compliments? Would you rather be an astronaut or a highly respected planetarium-goer? Would you rather be a chef or the best busboy in the restaurant? Respect is nice, but streetballers do not play basketball for a living. They may make some $ if they go on the AND1 tour or something, but very few do and it definitely isn't $6.3 million per year. Do you know what Kenny Satterfield probably respects? That Jamaal Tinsley lives in a mansion in Indianapolis and never has to worry about his finances or his family or anything other than playing basketball. I don't believe for 1 nanosecond that if you offered him, or Dwight Hardy, or Kemba Walker, or any other NYC pg $6.3 million to play a year in the NBA they would turn that down because they like the respect they are payed north of 110th street in the summertime.

Let's talk about other things in the article that make no sense.

"Left standing from this basketball exodus are the likes of Corey "Homicide" Williams, the oxymoron: a point guard so good he probably will never see an NBA check."

Will someone please explain this to me? I legitimately do not understand what this sentence means. He's so good the players in the NBA do not deserve to compete against him? He's so good he doesn't want to make millions of dollars embarrassing NBA players with his superior talent? Oh wait, I get it!! He's soooo good, only compliments on the subways of NYC can ever possibly validate him to the rest of world! It all makes perfect sense now! Quick, go tell Chauncey Billups, Deron Williams, Derrick Rose, CP3, and every other pg in the NBA that they should quit their jobs immediately, move to Harlem and only play at Rucker Park because otherwise the world will never respect them and they will only be doing the game of basketball an injustice by misusing their prodigious talents to support themselves and their families! Scoop Jackson is a genius ladies and gentlemen.

I actually hope "Homicide" does make the NBA, just imagine: And now, your starting pg for the New York Knickerbockerrrrrrrrs.....HOMICIIIIIIDE WILLLLIAAAAAMS! He and ex-gun runner Zach Randolph would become fast friends.

Alright, I think I've embarrassed Bob "Scoop" Jackson enough. Have a good one folks.